The Many Boyfriends of Sam
by AlinaintheSky
Summary: When Jack's determined to win Sam over three oddly familiar guys, they end up on a dating game show with host....APOPHIS! And Sam's a ditz o.O? (changed title)
1. Meet the Bachelors

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate. SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! Thank you, have a nice day. :-D  
  
Liss: Enjoy!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
-candle lit dinner outside on the beach; moon shining down-  
  
Jack: I love you, Sam.  
  
Sam: *giggles* I love you too, Jack. *smooch*  
  
Jack: Sam, I want to tell you how special you are to me. I liked you from the moment I saw you in your Air Force uniform. I thought, 'Man, she's HOT!' *licks finger, touches it to his butt and sizzles*  
  
Sam: *giggles again*  
  
Jack: And these past...um...*counts on fingers* Um...these last *few* years have really meant a lot to me and- *gets on one knee and opens a box*  
  
Sam: *gasps*  
  
Jack: Sam, will you-  
  
Sam: OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD! IT'S A FRIGGIN' RING! AND IT'S FRIGGIN' REAL! OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!  
  
Jack: Um...yes it is. Now, Sam, will you-  
  
Sam: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A RING! AND FOR NO APPARENT REASON! THIS ALMOST MAKES UP FOR WHEN YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY! TWICE!  
  
Jack: Um...*red* Yeah, sorry about that. But Sam, what I'm trying to say is-  
  
Random Guys: *suddenly burst out of nowhere* STOP!!!  
  
Jack and Sam: ??  
  
RG: WE WON'T LET YOU!  
  
Jack: Who the hell are you?  
  
RG: Do you not recognize us?  
  
Jack: *squints and tilts his head* Not really, no.  
  
RG #1: Why must he always torment us like this?  
  
RG #2: I believe it is because he enjoys making us uncomfortable.  
  
RG #3: I agree.  
  
Jack: Whoa...no way! How the hell did you guys get here?  
  
RG: That is not the issue. We are here to take Samantha back!  
  
Jack: No way! She's with me now! Right Sammie?  
  
Sam: *experimenting with lipstick* Jack, what do you think? Am I a Fire Engine Red or Bubblegum Pink?  
  
Jack: Uh...yeah. Well that's proof enough for you! So just go away!  
  
RG: We think not. We are not leaving until Samantha chooses one of us. We need to see it for ourselves.  
  
Jack: That's not gonna happen!  
  
Loud Voice: Oh yes it will! You're on...THE DATING GAME! *cheesy theme music plays* *lights come on to reveal a huge studio set similar to a dating game show*  
  
Sam: *ushered to her seat by a hot-looking set manager* *bats eyelashes at him*  
  
Jack and the RG: *take seats on other side of a wall*  
  
Director: And we're on in three, two, one!  
  
Voice: Welcome to the Dating Game! We're here today to see who Major Samantha Carter will choose out of four men who love her! Let's meet her! *walks onstage to reveal...  
  
APOPHIS!  
  
All: *high-pitched scream* AAAAAAAH!  
  
Sam: Hi!  
  
Apophis: Samantha, may I call you Sam?  
  
Jack and the RG: NO YOU MAY NOT!  
  
Sam: Sure! May I call you Cockroach Man?  
  
Daniel: *snickers*  
  
Jack: Daniel! What are you doing here?  
  
Daniel: I don't know...  
  
Sam: Can I?  
  
Apophis: Uh...sure...So Sam, tell us a little about yourself. *whips out a notepad*  
  
Sam: Ok, hi, I'm Sam. I work on the Air Force of the USA. GO PATRIOTS! *salutes* Um, and you wanna know a secret? I work at Cheyenne Mountain Complex on a very secret project for the government! *giggles* And my access code is-  
  
Jack: Uh, Sam? That's enough!  
  
Sam: *giggles*  
  
Apophis: Dammit! Oh well. I got enough so far. And now, let's begin our game! We'll have each man introduce themselves while Sam isn't listening. *hands her earplugs*  
  
Sam: Oooo...what should I do with these?  
  
Apophis: Shove it up your-  
  
Sam: Ooo...what's this? *bends down and picks up a nickel*  
  
Apophis: Soon-to-be-defeated-by-me-bachelor #1, you may start.  
  
Bachelor #1: Hello. My name is--  
  
-train runs by-  
  
--and I love Samantha with all my heart. The first time I saw her I thought she was an angel. I wish I could marry her but she seems to bear feelings towards someone else. *glares at Jack, who smiles* But I am determined to rid her of these feelings.  
  
Apophis: Keep trying, Lover-boy. Bachelor #2?  
  
Bachelor #2: I am-  
  
-mic goes out-  
  
--of-  
  
-mic goes out again-  
  
Samantha is the only one for me, not only because she reminds me of someone. *eyes glaze over*  
  
Apophis: Hello? You there?  
  
Sam: I'm here!  
  
Apophis: ... Bachelor #3, would you care to go?  
  
Bachelor #3: I am...not sure what I am anymore... I have a sad past.  
  
Apophis: Don't we all?  
  
Jack: *snickers*  
  
Bachelor #3: I...*looks like he's dumb/mute*  
  
Apophis: *finishes his sentence* --Talk like a retarded elf and look like one too?  
  
Jack: You know, Snakey, I never thought I'd say this, but you're not half- bad, in a freaky-alternate-universe-sorta way.  
  
Apophis: *flat look*  
  
Jack: *slaps himself* Whoa, did I just say that?  
  
Apophis: I was as surprised as you.  
  
Jack: *shakes head* *weird sound: yakkayakkayakkayakka*  
  
Apophis: Jack, since you seem so talkative, how about telling us about yourself? *whips out notebook*  
  
Jack: Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm the infamous Jack O'Neill of Earth. You may remember me from such missions as saving the earth from various harms and kicking the Goa'ulds' asses.  
  
Daniel: *shakes head* Too many years of the Simpsons.  
  
Jack: And, I'm the guy Sam loves. Not all these wanna-bes here.  
  
Guys: *glare at him*  
  
Apophis: *scribbles* And where do you live?  
  
Jack: I live...hey, is that a Teletubbie?  
  
Apophis: Uh...*red-faced* *quickly puts away Po notebook*  
  
Daniel: YEAH! GO TELETUBBIES! HUZZAH! *runs down and high fives Apophis*  
  
Jack: I knew it! *takes picture* Oh yeah. This one's going in the scrapbook.  
  
Apophis: Ok, now that you've met our bachelors, it's time to begin the game!  
  
Daniel: Oh, you like Po, huh? I find I have a weak spot for Tinkey Winkey.  
  
Jack: Go figure.  
  
Sam: I, Sam of Earth, have good news and bad news! The good news is, I've named my nickel Phillip!  
  
Guys: What's the bad news?  
  
Sam: It's a girl nickel! *giggle*  
  
Guys: *sigh* She's so brilliant.  
  
Jack: If she wasn't drop-dead gorgeous I'd kill myself.  
  
Apophis: Is my life over yet?  
  
Daniel: Hey, Apophis! Did you see the episode where they all wear the skirt and Dipsy won't wear it so they chase him around? Tsk, tsk, Dipsy is so stubborn.  
  
Apophis: *rolls eyes*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: What'd you think? Have an idea who the guys are? I think its pretty easy. Oh well. Next chapter hopefully updated soon! Oh, and I don't watch the Teletubbies, but my little cousin does and she forced me to watch one episode. She pulls hard! *pets hair*  
  
Apophis: You little-  
  
Liss: Aw, shove it, Cockroach Man!  
  
Apophis: And what is it with this cockroach deal?!  
  
Liss, Jeff, and Becca: *giggle* COCKRAOCH MAN! COCKROACH MAN!  
  
Apophis: AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!  
  
Liss: Ok, stick around for more, coming soon! 


	2. Round 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate and I never will. Just...Just leave me alone! *sniff sniff* *huddles in corner*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Apophis: Ok, let's get started. We'll start with Sam asking each bachelor a question. *hands Sam a bunch of cards*  
  
Sam: *shuffles them and starts dealing* Ok boys, the name of the game is Poker. Let me give you a demonstration. *pokes Apophis*  
  
Apophis: Ow! What the hell?! Just read them!  
  
Sam: *giggles and pokes him again*  
  
Apophis: *whining* Quit it!  
  
Sam: *giggles*  
  
Guys: Yeah Samantha!  
  
Apophis: Ok, STOP IT NOW!  
  
Sam: *stops and looks like she's about to cry*  
  
Apophis: Now, start!  
  
Sam: Ok! *clears throat* Bachelor #1, if I was a vegetable, I would be a squash. *giggles* What would you be?  
  
Apophis: *whips out notebook again and jots it down*  
  
Bachelor #1: Vegetable... I am not familiar with that term.  
  
Sam: Uh...ok. Bachelor #2, my interests include kicking Goa'uld butt-  
  
Apophis: *grits teeth*  
  
Sam: --Saying things overly complicated that could be summed up in one sentence, and acting like I don't even know Jack's love exists!  
  
Guys: *grin*  
  
Jack: ...  
  
Sam: What are your interests?  
  
Bachelor #2: I also enjoy defeating the Goa'uld. I also enjoy dreaming about-  
  
-train runs by-  
  
Bachelor #2: Man she was pretty. *eyes glaze over*  
  
Sam: *pouts* Prettier than me?  
  
Bachelor #2: Well, I do have a soft spot for brunettes, but of course not!  
  
Sam: ...  
  
Bachelor #2: Samantha, as I have often said, I think you would make a wonderful-  
  
Jack: Can we get this on the road? This is really boring.  
  
Apophis: *sighs* Yes, you're right. I'm not learning anything good anyway.  
  
Sam: Ok, Bachelor #3, my idea of a romantic evening is-  
  
Bachelor #3: A candlelit dinner with red wine.  
  
Sam: *surprised* Yes!  
  
Jack: Hey! I coulda told you that!  
  
Sam: *giggles* What's yours?  
  
Bachelor #3: Not being alone and not eating dirt and old machinery.  
  
Apophis: Oddly specific.  
  
Sam: Ok. Bachelor #4, if we were stuck on a desert island together with no food, no water, and nothing to help us get out, what would you say to me?  
  
Jack: I'd say, FINALLY WE'RE ALONE SO I CAN PROPOSE WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED BY YOU [BEEP] PEOPLE!  
  
Sam: O.O  
  
Jack: Uh...*nervous* And, that uh...let me do the work while you work on your tan?  
  
Sam: Ooh, nice answer! *giggles*  
  
Guys: ...  
  
Jack: *smirks*  
  
Apophis: Wow, this is better than a soap opera. Wait, what am I saying? Anything is better than a soap opera!  
  
Daniel: Except Teletubbies!  
  
Apophis: Teletubbies isn't a soap opera, you nitwit.  
  
Daniel: *grins evilly* That's what they think...*eyes flash*  
  
Everyone: WHOA!  
  
Daniel: *sees everyone looking at him* Uh, um...I can explain!  
  
Jack: *stern voice* Daniel? Have you been into the lab again?  
  
Daniel: *looks at the floor*  
  
Jack: And have you been eating the plutonium again?  
  
Daniel: No! I haven't been *eating* it! I was just...sniffing it.  
  
Jack: *crosses arms* You mean snorting.  
  
Daniel: No! I mean, yes! I mean, *looks guilty* I have to be over there now. *runs into corner and rocks back and forth, holding life-size plush Tinkey Winkey doll (from Daniel and the Magical La La Land. lol new fic, please read!)*  
  
Jack: *rubs forehead*  
  
Sam: Ok, next question. Bachelor #1, I like boybands. *giggle* What kind of music do you like?  
  
Bachelor #1: Whatever music you prefer. *stares through separating wall at her*  
  
Jack: Oh puh-lease.  
  
Sam: Oooh, I like N'SYNC. Except for Lance, he's ugly. I love Justin. *dreamy sigh* What about you?  
  
Bachelor #1: Uh...yes. I feel the same...  
  
Sam: *giggle* Bachelor #2, My favorite movie is Bring It On *giggle* . What's your favorite movie?  
  
Bachelor #2: Uh...I like the movie...*looks around for help*  
  
Jack: *leans past Bachelor #3 and whispers* Roots. Say Roots, she loves that movie too!  
  
Bachelor #2: Um...I like the movie Roots. *smiles*  
  
Sam: Oh god! That was the worst movie ever! The book was bad, too! Oh, ew! *looks at Apophis* Can I?  
  
Apophis: *puts away notebook* Be my guest. But you have to wear this. *hands her a blindfold*  
  
Sam: Thanks...*puts it on* *takes a bat* *walks over to the guys' side* Where are you Number Two? I'm coming...heh heh...Roots my ass. *swings bat and barely misses Jack*  
  
Jack: Hey! Watch where you're swingin' that thing!  
  
Sam: *giggles* Oops, sorry Jackie!  
  
Guys: *snort* Jackie?  
  
Jack: *red* ...be quiet! It's a relationship thing! *You* wouldn't know! *smirks*  
  
Guys: *glare*  
  
Sam: *swings again and hits Apophis*  
  
Guys: *hoot*  
  
Apophis: *eyes flash* Dare you touch me?!  
  
Jack: I think she dares. *snorts*  
  
Sam: *swings and hits Apophis again*  
  
Apophis: I said, STOP!  
  
Jack: Yeah Sam!  
  
Sam: Am I getting him?  
  
Jack: Yea!  
  
Apophis: No!  
  
Daniel: Uh, Sam? I hate to be a buzzkill, but you're kind of beating my Teletubbies buddy.  
  
Jack: Daniel, shut up!  
  
Sam: *swings again*  
  
Apophis: *whining* Stop it!  
  
Daniel: ...  
  
Sam: *giggles*  
  
Daniel: Sam, PLEASE stop beating Apophis.  
  
Sam: *sticks tongue out and whacks him again*  
  
Apophis: *huddled in a corner, whimpering*  
  
Daniel: Sam, please!  
  
Sam: What'll you do for me?  
  
Daniel:... I'll do your reports for a month?  
  
Sam: *shakes head and whacks Apophis*  
  
Daniel: I'll be your slave for a week!  
  
Sam: *pauses, but shakes head*  
  
Daniel: Uh...um...I'll draw a beard, moustache, and unibrow and put shaving cream and honey on Anise while she's sleeping!  
  
Sam: Done! *sits back down*  
  
Jack: Damn! Oh well.  
  
Apophis: *stands up* *brushes himself off*  
  
Jack: Dude, whatever dignity you had left is gone.  
  
Apophis: *glares*  
  
Sam: Bachelor #3, my favorite animal is a cat. What's yours?  
  
Bachelor #3: I do not know what an animal is.  
  
Bachelor #1: Oh they are quite nice. I am fond of cats too. *smiles*  
  
Jack: Ok, a), she can't see you, and b), she didn't ask you!  
  
Bachelor #1: *ignores him*  
  
Sam: *brushing hair* 1...2...3...4...  
  
Apophis: *sighs*  
  
Jack: Is this over yet?  
  
Daniel: *holding mini-TV* Oooh, it's that episode I was telling you about, Apophis!  
  
Apophis: *runs hands over face* I think it's time to go to commercials.  
  
Big Voice: We'll be back right after these poorly paid commercials!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: Well, I hope that was...fairly amusing. I have a really great idea for next chapter.  
  
Apophis: *backs away slowly*  
  
Liss: Don't worry, Cockroach Man, it doesn't involve you.  
  
Apophis: Phew.  
  
Liss: Much.  
  
Apophis: ARGH!  
  
Liss: MWAHAHAHAHA! We'll be back soon! 


End file.
